i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
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