i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
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