My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
