oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
