I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
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