I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
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