Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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