I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
