my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
