My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
