two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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