exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
We need to rekindle our bromance
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
