Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
