Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
