Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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