THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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