Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
