Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
