I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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