So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize
