I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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