I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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