I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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