She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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