Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
My life is pants optional.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
