At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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