Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
oh god was she eating orange peels again
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
