I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
