i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
