eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
