Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
