im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
