This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
