how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
