i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
