The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
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NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
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I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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