If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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