So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
You need a sexual gate keeper
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Randomize
