Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
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