apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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