Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
