i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
