my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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