I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
