is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
