the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
