I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
