Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
