Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
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