someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
