Do you still have your period?
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
