taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
