Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
and you fell through a lawn chair
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
