I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Dear god my vagina.
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