she takes plan B like it's going out of style
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I pour the whiskey from now on
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
