If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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