just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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