im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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