he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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