Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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