I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
