Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
jump out the window naked night went bad
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
